my teenage heart

I had a total meltdown at church with my sweet friend who looked into my weepy eyes and asked, “How are you?”

I word vomited all over and told her all the things that were on my mind and weighing down my heart – my jealousy, insecurity, exhaustion, comparison, and more. I talked and talked around it all until finally I said, “…and I just haven’t been spending time with Jesus, like at all.”

And the reality is that when I don’t spend time with Him I don’t have anything good in me, and I don’t have anything good to say.

So this is short and sweet because without Him I am nothing and my words are few. I came face to face with the reality that apart from God I am sinful, selfish, cold, bitter, and mean. My heart is heavy and self-focused. I am incapable of loving the way I want to. I am always on the edge of falling apart – until I finally do.

He brings us to our breaking points, but doesn’t leave us there alone. He meets us where we are, willing to put us back together and make us better.

I realized I act like a teenager with the Lord – I so badly want to be on my own, to be capable of taking care of myself. I want to be independent. And He lets me try, allows me to run off on my own for a little while until I find myself a mess before Him, realizing my need.

So this week my prayer has simply been: I love You, I need You, I’m sorry.

Without Him we are truly so broken, so bitter, so hurtful. With Him though, we can be the best versions of ourselves. We can learn to love, serve, and offer grace to others.

Seek Him, and He will be found.

“I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing…You alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure.” Psalm 16: 2, 5

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I write to process, and sometimes send those thoughts out into the void. Passionate about Jesus and people and bringing those two together. Living in and loving Denver. Working with college students, who are the coolest. Seeking Jesus and JOY in everything.

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