Week two involved starting our actual jobs and working within our ministry focuses. Basically we had real assignments and real responsibility. It was kind of terrifying, and completely exhilarating.
I think I discovered this past week that just because I am where God wants me to be does not mean it is going to be easy. I think somehow in my mind I thought that maybe obedience and safety went hand in hand, and that just isn’t true. In fact, I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s anything but easy when we are exactly where God wants us to be. This realization snuck up on me in the form of anxiety this past week – which was definitely fed by the combination of lack of sleep and big responsibilities. Not to downplay the idea that maybe there is something great happening within this internship – maybe Satan is scared by the talent, community, trust, and passion all brewing within those offices – and he just has to try whatever might work to bring it all crashing down.
I’m not going to lie, I had moments where I thought, “Maybe life would be better if I just sailed through. Without real responsibility and inspiration I never experience anxiety…so maybe I should just stick to the mundane? To just an average life?”
That is exactly what he would want me to do. So I’m going to fight it. I am going to push through, not with my own strength but the strength given to me through the Cross and Resurrection of Christ, and pursue what He has called me to because the worst regret in life would be to look back and see that the devil had won in my life. In any way, big or small, I never want to feel like I let him win. Ever.
So maybe I am rediscovering fear. Or maybe I am discovering what real courage looks like. The more I think about it, the more it seems to be the latter. Either way, I am running hard after Jesus because He is the only one who can save me. No matter how cliché that might sound, it is just the simple (but kind of complicated) truth.
And also – I am, quite literally, rediscovering Oregon. I told my fellow interns (who, side note, I truly, truly adore with every fiber of my being) that seeing this state through their eyes is the most perfect picture of redemption for me. Their awe and wonder reminds me of the beauty around me. Their adventurous spirits remind me that exploring is worthwhile. They remind me daily how beautiful this place is and how lucky we are to be here. My heart is full, and will forever be filled, with gratitude to and for these people and this sweet journey of discovery and redemption.
(here are some pictures of this beauty i speak of – witness it for yourself)
(exploring at Multnomah falls)
(From my parking spot at my internship, NBD guys)