For a while, my question for God has essentially been, “Why won’t you give me what I want?” It sounds incredibly selfish and entitled. It is. But I have justified that question a million times by saying, But I am asking for good things – it’s not like I am trying to justify sin or selfishly get something that doesn’t actually matter. Mostly, I have felt that my deepest desires seem in line with what He calls us to do and be in this life, so why is the answer still no?
I had a bit of a breakthrough with this recently. I was reading in Hebrews 12, where the writer talks about God treating us like His children:
“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. If you are not disciplined…then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.” (Hebrews 12:7-8)
Over and over again, I am amazed at my capacity to be a crazy person. Do you ever feel that way? The most recent run-in with my psycho side happened this past weekend. My two best friends texted and asked to get brunch. I was meeting with my mentor, so I said no and encouraged them to do it without me. Their response was, “what about tonight? Sunday?” Why are they trying so hard to see me? Their persistence had only one probable cause in my crazy mind: they must be planning an intervention. Clearly I had been a bad friend recently and they really needed to confront me about it. That is the only logical reason they would go to such lengths to spend time with me.
I’m serious. I am actually crazy! This is how you know your mind is not in a good space – when instead of believing that an invitation is because people like you, you think it must be because they need to confront you about all your flaws.
It helped me realize that I was feeling as though everyone else around me must be disappointed with or mad at me too; it wasn’t just these two friends I was worried about. I get into these busy seasons where I try to fit everything in, with the goal of pleasing everyone and meeting everyone’s needs – and instead I end up feeling like I most certainly am disappointing everyone.
Expectations for myself this week: Do everything perfectly. Treat everyone perfectly. Solve all the problems, finish all the work, be everyone’s everything. All the while, with unending JOY and energy. Reality for myself this week: That all went pretty well…on Monday. Ever feel this way? By Tuesday, I was tired, definitely had not finished all […]
this life's blessings 