Grave-Sitting and Ugly Crying (and also JOY)

I decided to give up distraction for Lent. (Queue laughter). I had just started to notice how often I was distracting myself with social media, TV, food, or anything else to keep from engaging in how I was actually feeling. I came home one day and said basically out loud to myself, “I just need something mindless.” I caught myself mid-remote and thought, this cannot be helpful.

So I am trying to give up distraction. This is in no way measurable or practical, but it is real. When I sense myself going to something because I want to tune out, I choose not to do that thing. This looks like sitting in silence doing “nothing” a lot of the time. It means choosing to do something productive over doing something lazy. You know me, I’m all about self-care, but sometimes binge watching a show you’ve already seen all the way through three times is not actually caring for yourself at all.

Instead I’m eating breakfast. Without my phone. And I am cleaning my kitchen while listening to worship music instead of being a couch potato. I am looking out the car window instead of scrolling social media.

Here is what I am learning. When we choose not to be numb, we feel a whole lot more. (DUH.) But really. When I deliberately choose to feel whatever I am feeling rather than stuff it down and pretend to be fine while eating a whole bag of M&M’s (ok fine I still ate the M&M’s), I realize how much I actually feel. So yes, this Lent practice is actually quite hard and sometimes painful.

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Dear Twenty-Seven,

Dear 27,

You were a rollercoaster! So much has happened and I am incredibly grateful for you. At the beginning I was not so sure; I told people it felt really old, maybe because it was more syllables than any age I’d been before (or will be, for another nine years). Or maybe it is that when you start inching closer to 30 something happens inside you. Like all of a sudden some of those life goals or hopes that you have kept stuffed in the back of your mind start pushing their way to the forefront, and things start to matter a little more than they used to. Each passing year makes me hold my days a little more tenderly, knowing there are (I know it is morbid) less and less left.

But the days were beautiful and full of surprises. When I rolled up to my 27th birthday party in that sassy romper and lipstick I had no idea that a year later I would be living in a different home, have a different job, and have traveled practically around the world.

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The Treasure and the Treasurer

I have to ask myself these questions. Otherwise I start to question if God knew what He was doing when He created me. Woof.

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A Rhythm of Life

I recently reminisced with some friends about the weeklong retreat class we attended about two years ago for our graduate program. That week changed my life in some really significant ways. I had recently lost my nannying job, which now I thank Jesus for on the daily, but at the time I was pretty wrecked. […]

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Dear Friend (Part II)

In this season of Lent, we practice confession and receive grace and mercy from our dear Father. Sometimes it is really easy to sit in our sin and let it form a mold over us until it seems like that is actually who we are. I wrote this “letter” (just like this one) to all […]

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Make Space for Healing

When we ask for a situation to be fixed, He says I am with you. Not always what we are looking for, but always what we need. He knows that Presence is what heals, not answers.

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Rebuilt and Renamed

This past week I had to give a presentation on my “formational journey” in one of my classes.  It is as terrifyingly personal as it sounds, and even though there are only twelve of us in the class, each who I know well and am comfortable with, I was still incredibly nervous. It ended up […]

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